Nothing can lift this anchor chained to me.
There's no emotion that can begin to describe the feeling rushing through me.
I have so many questions, and every single day a new one forms. I'm confused on many different levels. But yesterday I made the decision that I need to know what I need rather than what I want....
As hard as the decision may be, as much as it may tear me apart. I have to believe that in the end, things will work out the way they are supposed to.
Although I may be flying there with a scared, broken heart to a brand new world to me, I have to believe that i'm making the right decision....
I think I may go to New York. They offered me full ride, and the other college is offering me just $2500....
Going to New York means a few things...
I'll be living my dream I had as a child, to live there. In NY. LIVE. I never thought it would actually become a reality, but now that this dream of mine is knocking at my door, I have no idea what I should do with it.
I will be running track and field. I mean, i'm gonna be doing what I love. To me, that's a definite plus to my situation! Also, i'll be getting an education that I have always wanted...
I'll be experiencing a life outside of what I have always know. And to me, that is an adventure that I can't surpass.
but...
I will be on the opposite side of the country from every family member I have come to know and grown up with. I will be separated from an environment that I am comfortable with. I will be around people that I am not used to. I will be a needle in a haystack! Lets be honest!
but guys, as hard as this is to say, most of all...
I'm going to be away from the one person that has taught me about life, adventure, staying true to myself. The one person that has given me the best days of my life. The one boy, that I have given my entire heart to hold, and have trusted with.
Granted, he will be gone for 3 years, but ladies hear me out. At least ladies that may be in my same situation, or those who love a good love story.
How would it feel. to be torn apart by force, from that one person......for who knows how long. And you have no idea when you will see again after that last moment you spend in each others arms. You have no idea when you will look into their eyes, receive that heart skipping kiss on the forehead, or when you'll be able to waste summer nights and weekends with each other...breaking curfew, or when you'll be able to tell that person "i love you" face to face.
People keep saying that its gonna be easy, that there's nothing to and that later I'll know if the right one came along. But i'm an 18 year old girl, I can't go off of that kind of logic....
And....i've gotta tell Ben, somehow, what my decision is leaning towards.....but I don't know how....
Life is coming at me fast, whether I like it or not, and it's beginning to hurt.
And these thoughts kill me. It's going to be really hard.
But a good friend told me something yesterday.
Easy things don't stay around. But the hard things, the things that you had to be strong for, are the things that will stick around with you. Because you earned it, you believed, you knew it was worth the pain.
I know it's worth it.
But we'll soon see.
It's just hard I guess. And call me the crazy, love-sick girl. But there's nothing wrong with believing in something that makes you smile:)
Hopefully tomorrow is a brighter day.
good night:)
I love you baby.
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