mistake

i like to pretend that things are okay..and that life is pretty much peachy..but i cant pretend something thats not true...
this week has kinda been a spiral down.

.................

i took a break from writing..so really im writing this sentence about an hour later than when i started writing.
during that hour i was talking to that oh so great boy....
sooo recap.
this boy and i have dated before. for all of junior year. broke up before summer. almost got together in the summer. didnt. then recently we started dating again and it was really great. perfect actually. at least in my eyes it was...
but this is how he put it on the phone call....
right now..im a...i guess....a mistake in his life. and he, and i quote, "doesnt need me in it".....
that alone should tell you how the rest of the conversation went. being told repeatedly how im not needed and how what we had was the past and then finally how i need to move on.
he even told me how for the past few weeks ive been an experiment, of if i would make a change in his life and if he really did want me back in it. and i guess its okay to kiss me and tell me you love me and be just like how it was in the past relationship. all to have it come down to....."i dont need you" "you need to move on" "having you in my life wont get me where i want to be" "sure i loved what we had more than anything, and i still love you, but i dont need you"
what sucks the most is that i know he feels the same..........
the whole talk wasnt just put downs..
he explained that he still loves me and would love what we had back. how he misses what we had and will always remember it.
but in the end...he just had to say no to what he really would have liked to have.
and i said "if you dont want me in your life right now just say so, say you dont feel the same way"
and after about a minute of pure silence...he choked out "i dont feel the same" in a voice that was drowned in what sounded like tears.
and it didnt sound convincing at all...and i just hung up.
i know he feels the same...because he told me in that same conversation that he does....and thats what hurts the most..knowing that we could have had another chance....someone just wasnt willing to give it the shot.
and maybe some of you will be thinking im a loser for posting this, self centered, someone who is blaming the wrong person.
whatever side of the story your taking, good for you.
but as for me, after all ive been through with this kid....everything.
my heart isnt just smashed. its broken to pieces.....pieces that have been broken over and over again. that have been glued together and repaired. carefully taken care of for a few weeks of time. and then smashed apart again. like it doesnt even matter.....

am i really a mistake?

lesson of the day.....
giving your heart to someone isnt a choice. it isnt something that you ponder over and wonder if its okay or not, if its time or if its what should happen.
it just happens.
you just fall.
theres no explanation. theres no science behind it. no logic.
love is love and no one can explain it because everyone loves in their own sort of way.
because i took a leap of faith..is that so bad?
in a way yes...because if no one is there to catch you..then you will end up hurting yourself.
two people need to make that mutual leap of faith...and i guess when i thought that guy was...he really wasnt.
i dont exactly know what my lesson of the day could be...because im fresh off the heart break..or whatever i may be feeling right now.....
you can either agree with me or not..
love hurts. in every form. mentally, physically, emotionally....
i guess my lesson of the day right now is...
be careful.
simple as that.
to every lover out there young and old....
be careful. trust one another. communicate. and love each other deeply.
reassure them that they are worth it, never leave them confused or second guessing. definitely dont leave them doubting.

thats all i got....
now i will drown myself in taylor swift for the rest of the night.....