and just like that;

Well...you think you have something right? Well you do have something! And then every time something goes wrong, you try to justify if because heaven forbid anything wrong happening. That person could never ever do something like that....
Well I guess that was kind of my mistake to believe that....
Being bailed on three days in a row..I justified
Not talking to him near as much as we used to...I justified
Just him being different with me...I justified as him getting used to the fact that he'd be leaving soon...
I let it all happen without really confronting the situation. And when I did confront it just the slightest, he told me not to worry, we're okay.
Saturday afternoon he says I can come over when his mom gets home, he really does sound really excited. So i'm sitting there watching prison break on my phone when he texts me and I get so stoked because I think "his mom just got home!" so I sit up and start getting things together and then I actually open up the text message and it says "Desi...I don't really feel like hanging out today" And I just respond with "what? why?" and he says "I don't want to see you anymore"
I immediately call him because I'm not about to have this conversation over text..
We talk for about an hour. He explains to me how hard it will be for him to get through boot camp with me fresh in his head and that just making more memories will be harder. It was hard for me to grasp that and I tried to argue my point. But then eventually I gave in and all I wanted to do was say goodbye in person so we could end things on a good note, ya know? No hard feelings between two kids that have been together for two years. And I think he'd be chill with that, but when I ask, I get a straight up cold, hard, "no."
And not just once, he makes sure to say it plenty of times to make sure I actually get it.
I remember back to his promise in May when he said "the last month i'm here we will hang out so much because that's when I will need you most" and I believed him, weird right? And then he tells me one the phone "I know what I promised you but I'm not going to give it to you."
I've never heard him be so stern, so rude, so upset before with me! There was no hint of love at all in his voice. The only time he said that he loves me was when I had to ask him how he felt....I had to ask for that reassurance, and even then it wasn't convincing...
He brought up things of my past....that shouldn't have been brought up....how I won't have a problem dating guys in college because I seemed to do fine without him last summer. And how the only reason he thought about me at all last summer was because he hated me....
low blow, hard blow, I don't understand why you make that kind of blow.......
And to make things even better, well it seemed like he hung up..but he   text me later that night around 12 saying his service went out, but then that he didn't call me back so he apologized. Then he said that he felt way bad and that if I want to say goodbye then I have that choice.
1. I will not say goodbye if he's just doing that to make me happy, he has to want it too
2. Why can't he call me about this
3. I don't care about his apologies, clearly he said what he meant yesterday, and that's enough to last a lifetime.
Also, he wants me to not see him this entire month, and then at the end of the month before he leaves he says I can see him.
Heck no. If anything, it would be easier to say goodbye now, and leave it at that. Right?
So now I don't know whether or not I want to make amends. No, I won't get back with him. As much as I'd.....love.....the old us.....it's not worth it if he isn't in it. And now that I think about it...I'm the one that is constantly trying to fix the relationship when something stressful happens, I'm the first to say sorry, the first to come over, to fix things.......it's exhausting..and i'm tired of being that person.
Maybe he's not the right one for me, maybe right now just isn't the time and we both aren't mature enough....
All I know is that currently, we are on no speaking terms, we are on bad terms, and he doesn't want to fix it, and this kills me every single second of the day.
I've been trying to distract myself right? But yesterday I'm just brushing my teeth before church and there's just a constant flow of tears. Like every time I think about it too much, I end up bawling.
After the conversation happened, my room was trashed. I never rage out like how I did...ever. But I felt so disrespected, so alone, that I just smashed...every picture frame with a picture of us in it. I was vacuuming up glass for a while...
It's hard when someone promises so much to you, makes you his world, you develop such a history with them.....and then they just trash it. And you know what? It doesn't even seem to phase them. He said "no" as if it was something he had been practicing for a long time. So the times where he said he was so excited to have me come home from Cali, possibly a lie, I know he doesn't care for me as much anymore, and just the betrayal. He doesn't even want me to write him, or be at his boot camp graduation. When just a month ago he was saying he doesn't know what he would do if I didn't write or go to his graduation.
Right now it's so hard to see any positives because I'm still fresh full of negatives. I'm going to give it time....but if he doesn't call me or something...then I'll either just let it be and at least 1 out of 2 of us will suffer the pain or I'll call him and once again, I'll be the one to make amends so we at least don't have bad feelings. I don't know if I even want to do that though.....
I'm so......sad...
I literally tore down everything. I threw out all of it. But I couldn't bring myself to throw out my journal, a photo booth picture of us, and the charm he gave me for my birthday two years ago.....I just couldn't. But everything else is gone. I cleaned up my instagram and deleted all my pictures of us and him, I changed profile pictures, I erased everything on my phone, I unfollowed his friends on twitter because they would eventually post something about him and hanging out and such....I just...can't handle any of it.....it's all gone. He's all gone. No more him..no more us. Just like that.....one second he's so excited for me to come over, the next, he doesn't want to see me anymore...
Yeah...I know he'll miss me, but what's one more month on two years of history have?
He's going to think about it no matter what..because that's SO. MUCH. HISTORY.
And if we end up being on bad terms...how is that going to help?
That's just me...but I don't know how to handle this the slightest.....
It was out of no where...and now......everything I thought was genuine, is no more.
although a lot of this happened, I still have to believe he's doing part of this because of how much he cares, and it literally would be SO hard for him....he changed a lot of who I am and did make me a better person. He helped teach me about the gospel, and he was my best friend whenever I needed him. We had some really good memories...and thinking back on those is what makes this experience the hardest. Because there's so many of those memories. And when I was deleting pictures, everything would flood back to me of that specific time and what happened and how I felt, how we felt. It's all too much to even process right now.....and it sucks. Because I love him, and i'm not ready to let this part of my life go...