hard morning

sooo this morning was....not a good morning.
you see i have three alarms on my phone...
one at 5:35 labeled "if ya wanna look good" (i rarely use this one)
one at 5:45 labeled "get sleep and look dece"
and one at 6:10 labeled "sleep more and look shitty"

today was a 6:10 kinda day.

i honestly didnt fall asleep till 2am...thinking about everything that just happened.
part of me feels like i made the wrong decision just hanging up like that, without saying good bye, but then another part of me says that its what had to be done.
i listened to taylor swifts new album last night and one song describes my situation perfectly....thats what i love about taylor swift, theres always one song that seems like she can read your mind. shes so relatable.

but its called "i almost do"
it kinda describes everything so well..
heres is a little bit of the lyrics......

"And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do, I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
‘Cause each time you reach out there’s no reply
I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can’t say hello to you
And risk another goodbye"

i just..dont even know what to think right now. i threw away everything last night. everything accumulated about him, about us, about our relationship in the last year. i had a box full of it. all our tickets from movies we saw, his little gifts to me, my notebook that has everything about us recorded to date, his sweater, all the little notes he would write to me...everything.
i threw it out. all except the one charm he gave me last year for my 17th birthday. i cant bring myself to throw it away.
but i deleted him out of my phone, erased all his texts i had saved since last year to now. just about removed him from my life. because i know i deserve better...
but most of me is thinking that its just not time for us in our lives and i cant accept not having him there.
oh well though....wish me luck at school today. its gonna be a freaking long day.....


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