So i'm sure the only thing I have any business talking about is what happened last night...haha
Getting to his house was the hard part....my mom wouldn't let me have the keys to her car. But eventually I was on my way over to his house.
Gosh the first time I've seen him in a month. He definitely looks different. Just because his hair is all short now, pretty soon he's gonna be bald!! haha.
He greeted me with an "oh my gosh..." as he was walking towards me, and then he gave me a big hug. We decided to drive up the canyon and talk. It started out as small talk, catching up. When we reached the top of the canyon I looked over at him and said "what are you thinking?"
and he looked at me and said how he is scared for boot camp, and how we know it's gonna be hard when we are apart. But then he said that these few days where we didn't talk were the hardest. What he missed most was having someone there to go to when he was struggling, someone to talk to. He just missed having each other to hold each other up. And I said that I missed that too and I'd be willing to write still and go to his graduation to be that kind of support. And he said he'd really love that actually, like it's one thing having his family do those things, but he said to have someone he really cares that isn't his family write and such...that means the world. I also said, that if I was going to invest all of this love into him, then I needed to know if it was a two way thing. Because I can't be the only one loving with all that I am. And he agreed and said he still wants all of the same things with me so badly. He wants to be with me forever and that he loves me. I had to listen carefully and ask a lot of questions. I wasn't sure what I wanted quite yet, but it was clear to me that he was sorry. I can promise you that.
Although, we agreed we have to be realistic about it all, so for now, we are just going to be there for each other the first 6 months and just focus on supporting each other. We will do that from this point on, make the most of the time we have left, and then we'll see where we are at as his graduation roles around.
So then I brought up our conversation on Saturday and how it made me feel. I listened to his apology, and asked more questions. I didn't quite give him an answer of forgiveness yet, but I just processed it all as we continued to talk. I was calm the entire talk, and so I brought up California and how rough that was to be away from him and how we would have to deal with something like that but worse because we won't talk as much. And well...we both agreed that it's something we need to see if we can handle. Hence, the first 6 months.
We talked about how hard it was even when we were allowed to talk everyday..but in boot camp we won't get that opportunity. We know that it will be so hard, and we are both so scared for him to leave, but we both have so much faith in all that we do for each other, and that alone was encouraging. After accepting his apology, we just talked, about how when we have disagreements, we shouldn't get all worked up and how this next month is dedicated to just spending time together while we have it left. Of course not everyday, I don't know when i'll see him next, but i'm content knowing that we are no longer on those bad terms and that we are on the homestretch, 34 more days until he is gone and out of contact. I don't know what many of you are thinking. But I realized that it doesn't really matter. I'm so happy. And it's because I listened to the sign Heavenly Father gave me to regain contact with Ben, and talk through things.
And after all the serious matters were done, we just talked about my experiences I had with faith lately, and he asked me about college and if i'm scared at all. I'm glad he was asking a lot of questions, it was nice to finally be able to talk to him in person about what i'm scared for. And he reassured me that I'd be okay, he knows that.
I'm thankful for him.
Also, I hadn't kissed the kid in a month....so when we shared that first kiss, I was so happy:) he was so happy:) he was like "I almost forgot what it feels like to kiss you...I missed being able to do that" and he gave me a peck on the side of my mouth and cheek. It was a sweet moment:)
Yeah, I love him, and it's gonna hurt no matter what when he leaves, but at least he's leaving me on good terms, and I know how he feels....
I can't believe he has to go...
but that's life! Life is full of crazy surprises, but whatever is supposed to happen, happens for a reason. So I trust in God that I am on the right path.
also...Sienna I can't find your fb so find me at Desi Marie Guerrero:)