so a few nights ago i was really stressed.
like beyond any kind of stress i had ever felt.

i was driving home from a friends and then i got home and realized i had SO much to do that weekend and not enough time to do it all.
i had been carrying all this weight of an insane amount of responsibility i felt like only i could take care of. 

so i laid in bed and my heart was just pounding uncontrollably and i was shaking and had to take deep DEEP breaths. i was crying and i couldnt sleep.
i managed to fall asleep around 5am after calming myself down.
i told my dad about it that next morning and he said i had an anxiety attack.

so it made me think...

"why am i so stressed recently?"
"this time last year i was doing the exact same thing; track, school, dating, and i felt just fine"

there was one thought burning inside my head that i couldnt ignore, but i sorta wanted to...
but i realized that this time last year i did have a significantly better relationship with my Heavenly Father.

so just to let people know, i havent been active in the lds church for a while, i was baptized last year May 4, 2013.

so with my relationship with God, and knowing that it has significantly faltered, i was feeling a bit stuck and confused. 

and then something really weird happened. i dont know if it was coincidence 

but i was walking to my math class last week and i saw my friend Tanner in the halls but i had to hurry to my next class so i couldnt stop to say hi, but, i snap chatted him later and said that i saw him.
and as if he knew i needed it, he invited me to institute almost instantly.  

literally right when he invited me i felt something that i cant really explain. 
ive sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to describe the feeling but really the only words i can bring myself to begin to describe the feeling would be

but i needed to talk to someone, and i knew Tanner would listen, he always does.
so i asked if we could talk

and our talk was special to me, he didn't preach to me and didn't tell me what was the right thing to do or the wrong thing. He comforted me and let me know that Heavenly Father does love me and is there for me and will always take care of me. Well that's what i got out of what he was telling me. and yes guys, i teared up in the middle of the UVU cafeteria.
but what Tanner told me helped me to feel the stress i had, be at ease for a moment. i said i'd consider going to institute and i knew that i wanted to, i mean why not? whats the harm?
but i was also afraid because what if i felt something great there? 
it's scary going back to something that you decided you didn't want once before.

but i went.

and my experience was incredible.

i walked into that class with Tanner and i felt a bit intimidated because ya know, everyone knows they belong there it seems like (to me at least) and i still didn't know if i did, if that makes sense.

it was a bit weird getting back into the swing of things, and i felt myself being shy again like how i was in church when i was first baptized. 
but i found myself falling in love with what i used to love about the church.

i love reading the hymn book, yes we sing the hymns, but i like reading back at them like it's scripture, and really learning about what im singing. 

i love the feeling of peace, i didnt even think about all i had to do that day and everything that i had to figure out, my mind was focused on the lesson.

and i certainly loved the comfort i felt, i was there because it's what felt right, and the comforting feeling i had just sitting there listening and thinking "maybe i'll get something out of this, maybe not"

but keep in mind, i wasnt gonna sit there and try to feel something, i was there just taking in each word and enjoying it.
and only one single thing stuck out to me the entire hour that we were there, and that is when my teacher said, 
"in times of trial, turn to God, not away from Him"


it hit me.

the second i had one of the biggest trials of my entire life, i blamed God, i turned away from Him, and i immediately decided to take every problem, every trial, every stress from that point on upon my own shoulders because i no longer trusted Him.

which is why i have been so much more stressed this school year and with my life in general

it's one thing during the summer, i dont have to worry about a thing, just work and what im going to do after work. thats about it. 

but during school, even when i organize myself, i have a billion other things going on all at once and even at the moments when i felt like i had it all figured out, i was one step off.

after institute Tanner turned to me and said "watch your day be incredible"

and in my head (no offense to Tanner if your reading this haha) i basically thought 
"yeah right"

but yeah...haha he was right.

i was so focused in class and i understood everything because i had this insane desire to just BE THERE and take in everything
i was walking through the halls with an extra jump in my step and i wanted to talk to and say hi to everyone i knew
i wanted to help anyone that needed it
i was so positive and i literally felt like nothing could ruin my mood even if a stress did arise 
long story short, i felt like i was on top of the world
and you know what, people noticed.

about 3 or 4 people asked me why i was so happy that day or simply stated "wow someones in a good mood today"

and i was in awe! i didnt get it!
then later that day i told Tanner about what i had felt and he read me one scripture that made everything make sense.

...And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good.

2 Nephi 33:10

alright, so when Tanner explained that to me he said that all the good i felt like i wanted to do today wasn't because i knew it was the right thing to do, because every other day honestly i'm usually someone with my headphones in and dont talk to anyone unless i have to, but he said because Gods word makes you want to do good, i mean it physically doesnt make you, but it gives you this feeling of wanting to make someone's day better, well it did for me at least.
that's what i got out of what he was telling me.

long story short. i had a good day. and i know it wasnt coincidence. i know talking to Tanner wasn't coincidence either, i know God brought him into my life for a reason. i dont know what that reason is yet, but he has blessed me in more ways than just one, thats for sure.

so, im sort of excited for this experience and what it may bring, we'll see, all i know is that i dont regret going to that class one bit.
so i'm just going at my own pace, but we'll see what happens. slow and steady 

1 comment:

  1. Going back can be scary , I know personally after my entire family had left the church it was hard and scary for me to go back. It's what I needed , I personally believe the gospel is what everyone needs , but Satan didn't want me to go back , he made it hard , scary , embarrassing, and lonely , but remember the difference in the way u feel , and how the way you feel not only blessed u but the lives of those around u.